In Memory of Tim Crossan

SOMETHING ABOUT YOU

2008-11-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

WILL I EVER LOVE AGAIN

2008-07-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

will i ever love again
a question on my mind
will i ever love another
like you in this life

if it was meant to be it'll happen
this is what i am told
but i fear i won't find another
and will die alone

will i ever love again
i really miss you now
will i ever love again
thinking about it just brings me down
i wake up at night
with sweat in my eyes
my heart starts pounding
and i begin to cry

well it's better to have loved
and i still have my memories
they'll always make me happy
and set my heart at ease

BY GIANNI

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON...

2008-05-19T15:54:00.000-07:00

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn.
We are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return.
Now I don't know if I believe that that is true but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun,
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood...
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you I have been changed for good. It well may be that we will never meet again
So let me say
So much of me is what I have learned from you.
You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart now whatever way our stories may end.
I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend and lover...
Like a ship blown from it's mooring by a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood. Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you...
I have been changed for good
And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness for letting you go...
Well I guess there is blame to share...
And none of it seems to matter anymore

A DREAM LASTS FOREVER

2008-04-27T23:53:00.000-07:00

A million old soldiers will fade away
But a dream goes on forever
I'm left standing here, I've got nothing to say
All is silent within my dream
A thousand true loves will live and die
But a dream lives on forever
The days and the years will go streaking by
But the time has stopped in my dream
We all have our everyday hopes and fears
And you'll find no exception in me
But that doesn't get me through a sea of tears
Over life's biggest tragedy
You're so long ago and so far away
But my dream lives on forever
I guess I believe that I'll see you one day
For without it there is no dream
You're so far away and so long ago
But my dream goes on forever
And how much I loved you you'll never know
'Til you join me within my dream

25 YEARS AGO TODAY

2008-04-22T16:33:00.000-07:00

This day has weighed heavy on my mind for awhile now. In the last year I have had the opportunity to share with one of Tim's closest friends what happened between Tim and I. He has helped me in so many ways that I can't even begin to thank him enough.

Last May, I finally was able to get the courage to talk to the one person who had the answers I needed. He could only remember a little about that last night Tim came to see me. He tried to assure me that I shouldn't feel guilty, yet that is easier said than done. I had waited too long to talk to him as the years passed by. I will always regret making Tim leave my house that stormy night.

I still think of Tim everyday and wonder about all the woulda, coulda, shoulda's. I also know that by changing anything that happened in the past would change everything in my life today. I'll keep him in my heart and love him forever until the day I die. I need to just remember the time we shared together and know that no one can EVER take that away from me.

WHO'D YOU BE TODAY?

I BELIEVE

2008-01-23T02:16:00.000-08:00

ONE MORE DAY

2008-01-22T20:25:00.001-08:00

THE DANCE--WESTLIFE

2008-01-21T20:20:00.000-08:00

DESPERADO

2006-09-05T03:37:00.000-07:00

CAN YOU MAKE A MISTAKE AND MISS YOUR FATE?

2005-04-17T00:53:00.000-07:00

"The Dance"

Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared 'neath the stars above

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything

For a moment you were a king

But if I'd only known how the king would fall

Hey who's to say you know

I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but

I'd of had to miss the dance

This song brings back so many memories of a boy I once knew. He and I shared something that will never be known. Too many obstacles in our way. We shared a dance on a Saturday night in July 1982. The song that was playing is elusive to me now. He held me so tight and we talked about why we couldn't be together. Just months before we had spent many secret nights together that still burned deep into my memory. He came to me one night and told me that "massive shit went down" and he didn't know how to handle it. We were so young and worried too much about what everyone else thought. After the dance ended we kissed and said good-bye. He went back to his friends and I to mine.

He came to see me on a stormy night in April 1983. We hadn't talked or seen each other for months. I had recently gotten involved with someone I worked with and thought I was in love and didn't want to risk everything I had. He told me that he couldn't get me out of his mind and that he didn't care what anyone thought. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. My mind was swirling with indecision. He tried to convince me for over two hours that we belonged together. But I was stubborn and upset that he had taken so long to come to me. I can still see him laying in my bed as I sat in a chair in front of the Franklin stove in my room. I told him I needed some time to sort things out and I couldn't be with him that night. He finally got out of bed and got dressed. I can still see his strong shoulders and chisled body as he put his clothes on. After he left I couldn't sleep at all that night. I held the pillow he was laying on and drank in his scent. Was he really ready to face the consequences if we became a couple? Would I be able to hold my head high and be by his side?

I will never know now since that was the last time I ever saw him.

He rarely crosses my mind. Been having dreams of him the last week. Only one person can tell me what I need to know. Have avoided him for over 20 years to find out the answers I want to hear. Next week, 4/22/05, He has been gone for 22 years. Was he driving? Was there a cover-up? Why did he have to die at 22? Redwood Tree's and Alcohol do not go together. I was a mess when I got the call. Six AM on a Saturday morning. My new boyfriend sleeping beside me. Told him I had to leave. Went to Frances' to grieve. How was I going to hide my feelings at home? My heart was torn out of my chest. Would he have been there if I had told him something different? Would it be him sleeping next to me on that morning? Went to his parents house. Saw his Dad pull in after me. I thought I could keep it together. Dad came over and hugged me and I sobbed like a baby on his shoulder. How could I explain this? In the house his Mom sitting in a rocking chair with an afgan wrapped around her shoulders. How does it feel to lose your second child? He was Mamma's boy. Not like the older brother who was Grandma's boy. Everything was fine. Then that woman had to arrive. OH, I know you. I used to drop him off at your house. Total silence. Mom looked at me. How could I explain? Older brother/Younger brother. Mom said those words. I felt like crawling in a hole. Made a quick exit. Had to pull myself together to go home to boyfriend. Funeral was on Wednesday. Left work at lunch and went to Frances'. She would be my strength to get through the afternoon. Death was not new to her. She was the same age as my father and had loved and lost many times. Walking into the mortuary. Music playing. Friends sitting in the front pews with heads down. Only one turned around and looked into my eyes. He knew. His best friend. The one he went to see after he left me on that stormy night.

Desperado playing softly in the background. I didn't bring enough kleenex. The rest was a blur. No open casket. No burial. Cremation. Is that what he wanted? Family behind privacy curtain. After service we had to walk past the casket and then the family. Why would they do that? I wanted to scream and run. Could not look at parents or older brother who was with his new girlfriend. They would never understand. Party at parent's house afterwards. I couldn't or wouldn't go. Heard that the booze was flowing. He died because of drinking. Bartender at his wake was the one who supplied the booze he drank before driving. Everyone got drunk. How fucked up is that? Went back to my life. To my boyfriend. Who left me in October. What had I sacrificed? Everything? Nothing? I may never know. Unless. Courage to ask the only person that knows. When will I find the answers I need? 22 years have passed and it still is in my head. Why can't I let go? Do I really want to know the answers? What if they aren't what I want to hear? Looked at his picture today. Newspaper clipping. Dreams of professional baseball. Shoulder injury. Next clipping his obit. Had to get them out and just read, feel, look. See that face that has been in my dreams.