CAN YOU MAKE A MISTAKE AND MISS YOUR FATE?

"The Dance"

Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared 'neath the stars above

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything

For a moment you were a king

But if I'd only known how the king would fall

Hey who's to say you know

I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but

I'd of had to miss the dance

This song brings back so many memories of a boy I once knew. He and I shared something that will never be known. Too many obstacles in our way. We shared a dance on a Saturday night in July 1982. The song that was playing is elusive to me now. He held me so tight and we talked about why we couldn't be together. Just months before we had spent many secret nights together that still burned deep into my memory. He came to me one night and told me that "massive shit went down" and he didn't know how to handle it. We were so young and worried too much about what everyone else thought. After the dance ended we kissed and said good-bye. He went back to his friends and I to mine.

He came to see me on a stormy night in April 1983. We hadn't talked or seen each other for months. I had recently gotten involved with someone I worked with and thought I was in love and didn't want to risk everything I had. He told me that he couldn't get me out of his mind and that he didn't care what anyone thought. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. My mind was swirling with indecision. He tried to convince me for over two hours that we belonged together. But I was stubborn and upset that he had taken so long to come to me. I can still see him laying in my bed as I sat in a chair in front of the Franklin stove in my room. I told him I needed some time to sort things out and I couldn't be with him that night. He finally got out of bed and got dressed. I can still see his strong shoulders and chisled body as he put his clothes on. After he left I couldn't sleep at all that night. I held the pillow he was laying on and drank in his scent. Was he really ready to face the consequences if we became a couple? Would I be able to hold my head high and be by his side?

I will never know now since that was the last time I ever saw him.

He rarely crosses my mind. Been having dreams of him the last week. Only one person can tell me what I need to know. Have avoided him for over 20 years to find out the answers I want to hear. Next week, 4/22/05, He has been gone for 22 years. Was he driving? Was there a cover-up? Why did he have to die at 22? Redwood Tree's and Alcohol do not go together. I was a mess when I got the call. Six AM on a Saturday morning. My new boyfriend sleeping beside me. Told him I had to leave. Went to Frances' to grieve. How was I going to hide my feelings at home? My heart was torn out of my chest. Would he have been there if I had told him something different? Would it be him sleeping next to me on that morning? Went to his parents house. Saw his Dad pull in after me. I thought I could keep it together. Dad came over and hugged me and I sobbed like a baby on his shoulder. How could I explain this? In the house his Mom sitting in a rocking chair with an afgan wrapped around her shoulders. How does it feel to lose your second child? He was Mamma's boy. Not like the older brother who was Grandma's boy. Everything was fine. Then that woman had to arrive. OH, I know you. I used to drop him off at your house. Total silence. Mom looked at me. How could I explain? Older brother/Younger brother. Mom said those words. I felt like crawling in a hole. Made a quick exit. Had to pull myself together to go home to boyfriend. Funeral was on Wednesday. Left work at lunch and went to Frances'. She would be my strength to get through the afternoon. Death was not new to her. She was the same age as my father and had loved and lost many times. Walking into the mortuary. Music playing. Friends sitting in the front pews with heads down. Only one turned around and looked into my eyes. He knew. His best friend. The one he went to see after he left me on that stormy night.

Desperado playing softly in the background. I didn't bring enough kleenex. The rest was a blur. No open casket. No burial. Cremation. Is that what he wanted? Family behind privacy curtain. After service we had to walk past the casket and then the family. Why would they do that? I wanted to scream and run. Could not look at parents or older brother who was with his new girlfriend. They would never understand. Party at parent's house afterwards. I couldn't or wouldn't go. Heard that the booze was flowing. He died because of drinking. Bartender at his wake was the one who supplied the booze he drank before driving. Everyone got drunk. How fucked up is that? Went back to my life. To my boyfriend. Who left me in October. What had I sacrificed? Everything? Nothing? I may never know. Unless. Courage to ask the only person that knows. When will I find the answers I need? 22 years have passed and it still is in my head. Why can't I let go? Do I really want to know the answers? What if they aren't what I want to hear? Looked at his picture today. Newspaper clipping. Dreams of professional baseball. Shoulder injury. Next clipping his obit. Had to get them out and just read, feel, look. See that face that has been in my dreams.